Sunday, October 24, 2004

How Dry I Am

There is no moisture left in my body. Not an ounce. I am sitting here nursing a giganto cup up coffee and a big, tall glass of ice water. The parts I remember last night were really fun, even when we were running from the cops...again...

We better grow up because I am to old for this shit.

It is never good when I work as much as I have been working and then am set free onto the social scene. I am a social person. I need people. I need fun. It is embedded into my DNA.

Wait. Did that last paragraph make sense? Oh my poor head...

The party was one of the best I have ever attended, and the fairies were a raging success. Our costumes turned out so cool. Unfortunately, my drunk ass didn't get any pictures of anyone, as I left my camera locked up all night. Fortunately, the hostess got a ton of snaps and promised to email them to me soon.

I got to flirt with a bunch of cute boys, did way to many jello shots, and saw people I haven't seen in years.

I also got to hang around the ultimate bad boy, but he is a post all in itself....

Now I am not a big drinker, and I rarely do it. This means I am not exactly good at it when I do drink. There was no projectile vomiting, so all in all, it was a good night.

Around 1:00 am ish the responsible people started to leave the party. This is usually when the real fun stuff happens, as just the circle of soul mates are left. (I'm not doing a link thingy, I think there is one in the post before this one)

Inevitably the discussions were turning political everywhere I went, and I dodged them expertly all night. As we sat around half drunk toward the end of the night, it could be avoided no longer.

The majority of my friends are Democrats. The few Repubs were debating back and forth, making my head spin. This had to stop.

The problem, I decided, was people don't listen to each other. They are so busy being self righteous that they won't listen to the other side. What we needed in this world, was for people to communicate and really listen.

Why not help them out?

I decided we should start with the neighbors. P and M's street was littered with political signs. Why not switch them all around? Make the Democrats Republicans. Make the Republicans Democrats. It seemed like a really good idea at the time....

We had a fairy conference, and the other two agreed. It was like a humanitarian mission, FFS! So off we went, in our little fairy costumes, prancing down the street in F*ck me heals, wands and skirts made from strips of irredescent material that sometimes showed a peak of little ruffle-ly boy short underwear.

This humanitarian mission was harder then we realized. It is not easy to pull up signs embedded in clay while trying to be a dainty fairy in f*ck me heals. Earlier in the day it had rained, and we kept sinking into the ground and losing our shoes, which of course made us explode into fits of giggles.

We had just made a Democrat a Republican when the outside lights came on. Shit.

Then we saw it-the police car. Double shit.

So off we ran back towards the house, ducking around bushes and cars, giggling like maniacs. The police drove slowly down the street, their light reflecting off our irredescent skirts every once in awhile. They had to be cracking up.

So we made it back to the house, but there was a problem. Everyone had moved inside, so we had to go to the front door. The police car was sitting in front of the house, as it was obvious that was where the party was.

Triple shit.

Someone who shall remain nameless (me) thought it would be a good idea to just take our skirts off and walk around to the front of the house. We would say we were babies or something for Halloween. The little ruffled panties and white camosoles we were wearing could pull that off. Yeah, that would work.

So off the skirts went, and we walked around to the front of the house. Mr. Police Officer got out. We kind of huddled together and walked towards the front of the house, like he wouldn't see us if we were smashed together.

He walks up to us and says, "Have you girls seen a couple of Fairies running around here?" "Fairies? What Fairies?" R asked.

"I think he means Dave. You know, they like to be called homo sequals now," I told the cop.

"That's not what I.." started the policeman.

"Damn, that's not very nice. Haven't the police been to tol...toler...tollleeeraaance training around here?"

"Look, you know what I'm talking about. We had someone call about a couple of people in Fairy Cos..."

"The people around here are racist too?" I asked.

"If you'd just let me finish.."

"Dave! Dave! Where the hell is Dave!?" asked R. "We don't have two fairies here. We just have one, or did Dave bring a date?" I asked.

"No, he's stag. Lisa's here. She was bi curious in college, does that count as a fairy?" R asked. "She was alllejiidly bi cuurious...Iiiiii dunno, he's the racist," I said, pointing to the policeman.

"I'M NOT RACIST!!" roared the police officer.

"Gay people can call each other Fairies. Are you Gay?" I asked.


H, who had been rather quiet this whole time hiccuped. "I lost my shoe."

"Sssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" R and I both hissed together. The three of us then burst into another fit of giggles.

I think he was about to break out the handcuffs at this point when P came out of his house. By the Grace of God he was friends with Officer Friendly, and he calmed the whole situation down.

Narrowly escaping a P.I. (public intox) and probably mischievous conduct, trespassing, and a variety of other laws broken, we went into the house and spun our tail of intrigue to the rest of the soul mates. Humanitarian mission accomplished. We had successfully converted two Repubs and two Dems.

I just want to say right now...I cannot make shit up this good when I write scripts...This is so going into my next one...

So all in all it was a great night. It will probably take me 5 months to get the glitter out of my car. I really feel sorry for poor P and M, whose couch got the same glitter treatment that night, and will have to face their poor police friend all the time because they take turns driving each others kids to school.

P said if his kids get kicked out of the car pool because of us, we have to drive them to school.

I think we may very well have set back gay rights movement, and the black/white relationship in this country 10 years with one conversation.

*Side Note*

I am not responsible for any way-ward spelling or punctuation or anything in this post. Hung over people should not be held responsible for Grammer, or is it Grammar?

Owwwwwwww my head...


rancette said...

Great post! I like the switching signs idea.

raibeart said...

Sounds like quite the good time. Now you must add pictures of your exploits.

Melanie Roum said...

Funny! No, but it is heels not heals. I've heard drinking water the next day can bring another round of that drunk feeling. Be careful LOL

Anonymous said...

OMG that is hilarious!!!!

-Heather (here via blog explosion)

kj4ever said...

As soon as P and M get the snaps back I'll post some. That is, if their children don't get kicked out of the car pool because of

Anonymous said...

Geez, I feel hungover now just reading that account...

Here via BlogExplosion.


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