Saturday, January 01, 2005

R the Monica Slayer

Before we get to today's post, some shameless blog whoring for my Snarkiest Blog Nom over at the BoB Awards:

Voting starts tonight.

Back to your previously scheduled Blog:

Being deposited at a party in a snow plow wasn't near as bad as I thought it was going to be. It felt damn right good, knowing that I was getting back a little extra for my taxes.

NYE was a hella good time. I thought at first we had lucked out big time because Monica was a no show for most of the night. This means that we didn't have the controversy that usually comes with the stupid slut being there, but unfortunately she decided to show up just a bit before midnight.

After careful consideration, I decided that I wasn't going to say a word to her. I would just let her act/grind/strip just as much as her little heart wanted. I was going to this party to have a good time, not to be the protector of the universe, which is my role all to often.

So the ho bag comes in and immediately jumps on my brother's lap, and begins to grind herself on him. Yeah, grind umm herself.

My SIL had that fake, I'm-really-not-pissed-off-see-I'm-smiling-but-I'm-really-pissed-off-smile frozen on her face.

Hey, if she wasn't going to say anything, and if my helpless brother who was saying "Cut it out Monica" couldn't be forceful enough, then let her have at it.

Pass a jello shot, please.

So Monica made her rounds, announcing in a rather large voice that "She wouldn't be showing her thong tonight, because she forgot to wear underwear," to everyone.

Dear God let me keep my mouth shut.

Pass a jello shot, please.

So it turns midnight, we are all pretty much plowed by this time, and hugs and kisses abound.

Then it happened.

Monica entered enemy territory that even someone as ignorant as her knows better then to enter: My best friend's husband.

You see, my best friend R and I go way back. Like back to kindergarten. If you've read that post I just linked, I've always kind of been R's protector. She is a much more...passive? person then I am. We are pretty much exact opposites, but it must work as we've been best friends for 28 years and never ever been in a fight. That's a pretty good track record.

So Monica gets up and says, "Where's T (R's hubby)? I want to make out with him for New Year's."

Now her husband is sitting right there. I'm already standing up. Her husband says, "You better make sure R is ok with that."

What. The. Fuck?

I'm boiling, boiling I tell you. You can fuck with a lot of people, but not R.

R, the "passive" one, is in the other room, but I'm pretty sure you can hear tramp girl throughout the house.

She comes into the room, takes one look at me, one look at Monica, and knows some shit is about to go down.

"How many generations from the trailor park are you Monica?" R asks.

Everyone's jaws dropped. R does not say things like that. R is a "keep the peace" kind of a person. An "can't everyone just get along" person.


I'll say that again: Whoah.

Monica was speechless, but tried to joke her way around it. It wasn't too much after longer, and she went home.

Our hero R!

So after the slut from hell left, we just had to question R. I mean, this was so out of character for her. Where the hell did this come from?

Was it because she didn't want the slimy bitch touching her hubby? No, that wasn't it.

"Dude, you would have killed her before she ever got the chance. I'm having to good of a time to do jail tonight, so I figured I better put a stop to it," R explained.

It doesn't matter why she did it. Like how I described in my last post about getting my license was like having a baby, R telling the ho off was like my baby taking her first steps.

I was so proud.

I hope everyone had a Happy and Safe New Year's Eve! Happy New Year!

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