Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Blonde-Boobage Phenomenon

Today I went back to work.

It sucked. That whole raving about me being bored? I take it all back.

'nuff said.

So I'm surfing and reading some of my fav blogs, when I see over at Rance's Site they have a guest blogger. It's Colin from The Real World Hawaii.

Bletch. Not because of Colin, but because of the chick that was in it-Amaya.

It's not really Amaya's fault either. It is the fault of something I like to call the Blonde-Boobage Phenomenon.

Blonde-Boobage Phenomenon happens when you have blonde hair and are decently to well endowed. People have this weird need to associate you with another blonde that is decently to well endowed.

My experience with Blonde-Boobage Phenomenon started when that movie "Milk Money" with Melanie Griffith came out. All I heard was, "You look just like Melanie Griffith!!"

Now the funny thing about Blonde-Boobage Phenomenon is all people can really see is the blonde hair and the breasts. You may very well not look one ounce like the other blonde/boobage person, but as long as the blonde/boobage is in place they will say you look like them. Blonde-Boobage Phenomenon, in other words, causes selective blindness.

I'm convinced that hearing is kept in place, as my voice is a whole lot like Melanie Griffith's voice.

Next was Pamela Anderson in her Tool Time days. "You look just like that girl on Home Improvement!" These comparisons stopped as soon as she moved up to Baywatch status, as I'm sure she was then totally out of the Blonde-Boobage Phenomenon league.

Just so you know, I don't look anything like Melanie Griffith or Pamela Anderson.

The whole Blonde-Boobage Phenomenon was almost debunked when for awhile in the mid-90's I would hear, "You look just like Gwen Stefani!"

Gwen Stefani doesn't have boobage. Wait just a minute, this doesn't fit the rules...

I chalked it up to the fact that we were in a boobage shortage at the time, so they just picked another semi-famous (at that time anyway) blonde to compare my ass to.

For me though, The Mother of All Blonde-Boobage Phenomenon was with that Amaya chick from The Real World.

I hadn't seen The Real World in God, probably 8 years when the Hawaii version came out. Everywhere I went I was getting these, "You look just like Amaya! No! You really do!!"

Who the fuck was Amaya? I had no freakin' (foreskin) clue.

People were so insistent on it that it took the Blonde-Boobage Phenomenon to a new level. People I didn't even know would say, "You look just like Amaya!"

So I decided to take my pop culturally challenged ass to the task and find out just who this Amaya person was.

Dude, I so don't look like Amaya. The boobage is pretty close, the hair at the time was pretty close, but in terms of the face, I just didn't see it.

It continued. On and on and on while that damn sorry excuse for a TV show aired.

It got really annoying. Real fast. I would like be in the mall and people would tell me that I looked like Amaya. Complete and total strangers would just walk up to me and tell me that.

I was never so freakin' (foreskin) glad when a show went off the air and another batch of reality people faded into the distant past.

So who do I share the Blonde-Boobage Phenomenon with now? Every once in awhile I'll get Jessica Simpson, Christina Aguleria or however the hell you spell her name, and I actually got a Nicolette Sheridan reference the other day, which sent me running to the mirror to make sure my face was still able to move.

I know, I know. This should all be rather flattering, being compared to famous people. If I actually looked like them it might be, but since I full well know they are just looking at the hair and certain parts of my anatomy, the whole Blonde-Boobage Phenomenon is not really flattering in the least bit.

If I had to pick who I look the most like? I'd say Gwen, but I have Amaya's smile.

Oh God, make it stop....

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