Free Mrs. Claus!

I just heard what might be the most disturbing Christmas song ever. In fact, I believe it is not a song, but a cry for help, expertly sung by Nat King Cole.

He does a bit of a foreword, and then breaks out the song. Here it is, with my commentary in Italics:

Of course you all know how hard Santa works to make all the toys and various presents that make up Christmas.

And when you think of Santa Claus you naturally think of all his helpers, and believe me, he's got plenty of them. They work all year long to make Christmas the happiest day of the year. What kid naturally thinks of his helpers? They think of the presents they will get and that hopefully Santa didn't see them set the neighbor's cat on fire.

But there is one helper that seems to have gotten lost in the shuffle. Now who do you suppose does all the cooking, cleaning and washing and the workshop and keep things humming in general? Now here's where the meaning of the song really kicks in. The cooking? The cleaning? The Washing? The work around the workshop? The Humming? After all that damn work Santa still expects a hummer? Talk about slavery!

Yes kids there really is a Mrs. Santa Claus. Now let's not forget about her! The first cry for help. Don't forget Mrs. Claus! Save Mrs. Claus!

Who feeds the reindeer all their hay
Who wraps the gifts and packs the sleigh
Who's helping Santa every day
Yeah, I bet she's "helping"...
Mrs. Santa Claus
For the love of God! How much can they expect from one woman?

Who keeps his red suit looking nice
Do they not have dry cleaners at the North Pole?
Who does he turn to for advice
Yeah, right. I'm sure advice is code for like "to wipe his ass"
Who gives the brownies all their spice
Greeeeeat now they are having her make "special" brownies. They probably could get her 2-5 in the pen
Mrs. Santa Claus
Save Mrs. Santa Claus!

She piddle paddles all around the workshop the whole year long
Who the hell piddle paddles? Is she that tired?
Amid the happy elves of the workshop
Hell yeah they are happy. They have a freakin' woman slave among them. Santa probably makes her "hum" to them too.
she sings a merry merry Christmas song
Sings a merry merry Christmas song? They obviously drug her too.

who reads the notes from girls and boys
Talk about cruel and unusual punishment...
turns in the order for their toys
Let me get this straight. Not only does she have to cook, clean, do the laundry, clean the workshop, and service Santa and the Elves, she also has to be the fucking book keeper?
fills every heart with wonder's joys
I just bet she does. Love slave I tell ya...
Mrs. Santa Claus
Save Mrs. Santa Claus!

Someone must act at once! Someone call the ACLU or some other militant acronym. We must break Mrs. Santa Claus out at once!

P.S. I am pretty sure I am going to hell for turning a perfectly delightful children's song into something seedy and nasty. If you link to it, you will probably go to hell to, but at least I'll be in good company.

Happy Holidays!