Monday, December 13, 2004


This time of year always reminds me of Bingo. It is not a happy memory mind you. Well, it kind of is. I'll let you decide.

When my parents lived here, they loved to play Bingo. They went to this one place every week. My Mom went for the Bingo, and my Dad went for the food, as the senior women of the church prepared home cooked snacks and deserts that were to die for.

Once they moved away, the kicked the Bingo habit, but they have fall off the wagon when they come back up here around this time of year. They have this one great big Bingo night that gives away a lot of huge prizes.

I went a couple of years ago with them, and I learned two things.

1. Bingo is serious shit.

2. It is a dangerous prospect to piss off little old ladies with blue hair who play 1,000 Bingo cards at a time, who take this Bingo stuff as life and death.

So my sister and I decided to go with my parents to this big Christmas Bingo Extravaganza. It was amazing. These women and men had like whole tables full of cards, and some of them didn't even mark them. They like had them memorized. I had like 4 cards and this nice little old lady next to me who was playing like 200 cards kept saying, "Honey, you missed one." How the fuck did these old people keep up?

I got the hang of it after awhile, and I got bored. Bored for me is just not a good thing. My Grandma used to say, "If you are bored, then you must be a boring person."

How true that is.

Anyway, I decided to fuck with my sister. They called a number, and I whisper, "Dude, you got Bingo." My sister, being the naive dumb ass that she is, didn't look at her cards and started screaming, "BINGO! BINGO!"

Oh my God. I lost my shit and started laughing hysterically because of course she didn't have Bingo. People moaned and started swiping the little chips off their 2,000 cards. My sister was desperately looking at her cards trying to figure out where the hell she had Bingo as the card checker lady stood in front of her.

I'm still laughing hysterically as my sister said in a small voice, "I don't have Bingo."

Dude. These people were PISSED. I swear they were planning our deaths as they held up the game so that everyone could put their chips back on their cards. Loud grumbles broke out across the room, as my sister swore she would kill me in my sleep one day.

My parents shot me evil looks from across the table, which just made me break into fits of giggles. We started the game up again, and my sister would jab me in the side, and I'd start giggling again.

Don't you just fucking hate it when you are laughing at a really inappropriate time, you know you shouldn't be laughing, and it just makes you laugh harder? You sit there and grit your teeth so a smile doesn't break out across your face, and this just makes it worse. I couldn't help it. I'd stop for a minute, regain control, and then I'd remember my sister screaming "BINGO! BINGO!" and I'd start giggling all over again.

Finally the dude that was calling the numbers said over the microphone, "You! Blonde girl! You are out of here!" I looked around to see what loser was getting kicked out of Bingo.

Oh fuck, it was me.

My Mom slid the car keys across the table, with the look of certain death on her face. I slowly walked out of the Bingo hall, sporadically breaking into fits of giggles.

Yes, at 31 I had been sent to the car for misbehaving. They didn't leave until it was over, and I had to sit out there for an hour.

My parents and sister finally came out, and when they got in the car my Mom told my Dad to hurry up, that the little old ladies were probably going to lynch me if they got a hold of me.

My fits of giggles started again, and my sister joined in. My exasperated parents gave up, and we started to leave the parking lot. As I looked out my window with a big smile on my face, a little old lady that looked a lot like the "Where's the Beef?" lady gave me the finger.

Yes, Bingo is serious shit.

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