Monday, November 08, 2004

I'm Itchy

That's right, I said Itchy. Not in a poison ivy kind of way, or in a mosquito bite kind of way.

It's just as annoying as those two though.

If my life had turned out different then it has, this itchy feeling would probably make me move to a different state or even country. It would have made me switch jobs or even careers. It would have been some kind of change, some big upsetting event that made everything in my life different.

I, unlike most of the population on Earth, despise things staying the same. I hate feeling like I'm in a rut.

When I was younger I wanted to be a writer, an artist, a CEO, a sculpter, a small business owner, a lawyer, a publicist, an editor, and a director.

Like all of them. In one lifetime.

So far I've been an Optometric Technican, a writer, an assembly line worker, a web developer, and a systems coordinator. I've fallen off the track somewhere I think...

I fell off the track the day I was diagnosed with Diabetes. That put an end to probably what would have been a fly by the seat of my pants life. Even though I was needed to help my family those late teens to early 20's years, I still would have went a path less traveled if I wasn't in grave need of health insurance.

Itchy.

Some of the things I have done in the past during major itchy moments were write for a local rag mag, start a web design business, get another degree, fall in love, and bought a house.

Anything to throw my life in complete upheaval and turmoil. Anything that would bring me new people, new places...

I know part of my itchy-ness is brought on by the fact of how many hours I am working. It's not all of it though, as I'm sure that when I first started writing this blog 95 posts ago that it was the beginning of my itchy-ness.

So let's spin the Roulette wheel, shall we? What will it be? Start a new business? Find some guy and fall in love? Move? Go back to school? Finally get serious about my writing?

Finally get serious about my writing. This is what I know I need to do, but it doesn't scratch the itchy-ness good enough. It doesn't spin my life 360 degrees in the other direction in a heart beat.

If I did get serious, do what I know I'm capable of doing, it could give me some of the freedom I so badly desire.

Why does that thought scare the hell out of me at times? I have a real good excuse right now on why I am not where I always saw myself being. What if I gave it 100% and failed?

I haven't really ever failed at anything. I supposed that sounds pretty damn arrogant, and reading it again, it sounds real damn arrogant.

Part of the reason is shear drive and determination, and the other part is total luck. I'm like the luckiest person on Earth. I fall into things. Anything totally bad that has happened to me in my lifetime has ended up enriching it to the better three fold.

If you believe in Karma or past lives, I must have been a Saint in my past life, because I have the best friends and family in my life. My Guardian Angel is on speed dial, if you will.

So the whole being afraid of failure thing is just not like me. Not.at.all. Usually, if someone says I can't do something it makes me want to do it 10 times more, and I'll die before I give up.

Why is it different with writing? Is it because it is something that is totally me, something totally from my creative soul?

Itchy...

4 comments:

The Mad Tech said...

Do whatever you think will make you happy. I was in your exact position about 7 years ago. I was still living in Michigan working a safe job, dating the safe girl, just coasting.

I took a transfer to Chicago with that company and within 6 months had switched careers and had met my future wife. I did not know anyone in Chicago but it just felt right and in the end it all worked out for the best.

Now I am not suggesting that you do anything as crazy as I, cause if I thought about it now, I would still be back in Michigan, but hell throw caution to the wind and see what happens.

And if you ever find yourself in Phoenix, you will have at least one friend. Good Luck

The Mad Tech

Annie said...

There goes that Parallel Universe thing again. I plan to blog more on this later in the week but I am kind of going thru the same thing. I'm waiting for some divine intervention.

The Zero Boss said...

Writing is so personal. When someone rebukes your writing, it can feel like they've given your soul a D-.

And no, it doesn't get any better. But you'll be glad you pushed your way past the doubt and got it down on paper. It's been hell punding out a 40,000-word book, but now that it's almost complete, I'm happy to have jumped in the fire. Had I not accomplished this, I would *never* have been happy with myself.

Just my $0.02.

kj4ever said...

Thanks Mad, Annie, and Zero.

I know I need to bite the bullet, and this post has helped a lot..