Monday, November 08, 2004

For the love of God NO!

I received some bad news today.

My friend is getting married.

This is probably good news for her, but bad for me. I just cannot be a bridesmaid again.

For the love of God NO!

You have to understand, I'm a professional when it comes to being a bridesmaid. I have stood up in like 9 weddings. I've paid my dues, bought the ugly dresses, and hired the strippers.

Most of all, I lived through the Mother of all Bridezilla's two years ago with wedding #9, and I still suffer from Post traumatic Stress Syndrome as a result. I slightly twitch around big white dresses or anytime a group of people wear matching clothes.

It's been my experience that the older the bride is, the worse the time preceding the wedding will be, especially if it is her 1st. My friend that is getting married is 34, so it shouldn't be as bad as Bridezilla, since she was 42.

Bridezilla had dreamed of being married since she was a little girl, and had planned it out way before she was ever asked. She was finally asked at age 40, and she continued to plan for two years.

Now I didn't even have to take most of the blows, considering I wasn't in the original wedding party. We were friends before she was engaged, but not close enough that she'd ask me to stand up in her wedding. The closer the wedding got, the more horror stories I heard from her about her awful best friends and how unsupportive they were.

God I'm such a schmuck, as I signed on after two bridesmaids quit. Yes, they quit. I didn't know you could quit being a bridesmaid, but she had two, count 'em two, quit. You would think this would have been my first clue as to the hell I was about to face.

So I was drafted about 6 months before the wedding. One of the AWOL bridesmaids sent me an email that just said, "Good luck!" Curious, very curious.

It was ok for like a day. Then I had to get fitted for my dress. She was all worried about my dress not coming from the same exact material as the others. When they other dresses were made, she insisted that they all came from a continuous sheet of fabric, so they would be perfect. I heard the word perfect so many times that I can barely speak it to this day.

She wanted me to use one of the AWOL bridesmaid's dresses, but there was a problem. One of them was really big, and one was really small. You would either have to cut half the dress off from one, or expand on the other. The people at the dress shop tried to assure her that we needed to just order me another dress, as neither of the dresses would look right.

She had a freakin' fit in the middle of the shop. I stood in shock, wanting to run, but afraid she'd have a tranquilizer gun or something. It was then decided to order my dress, but keep the other two just in case it didn't match perfect.

The dress came in, and we went to look at it. It took her an hour and a half to inspect it, matching it to the other 5 dresses, to be sure it would work. I stood there like a child waiting in the dentist's office. Pure, unadulterated torture.

She finally gave it the thumbs up, and I slipped into the dress to see how it fit. She looked on in horror as it was way to big in the waist and the hips.

I have really big breasts. Sue me. This is what happens when people like me get a dress. We have to get it like 4 sizes to big, and then they cut a bunch off the waist and hips. Another temper tantrum ensued, as she was sure it wouldn't look perfect once they did all the alterations.

She then came up with the brilliant idea of maybe I could bind myself, and we could then order a smaller dress with less alterations.

Bind myself? Is this the fucking little house on the prairie days or what? I had been pushed to my limit at this point, and told her in no uncertain terms that I would not be fucking binding myself or buying another dress. If the twins presented that much of a problem, perhaps I shouldn't be in the wedding at all.

There was hope. Maybe she would kick me out now. Instead I saw the fear in her eyes, as she had experienced dissenting bridesmaids before. She immediately started crying and apologizing. Ha! While it sucked that I wasn't thrown out of the wedding party, at least I knew her weakness now.

The next four months crawled by, and I tried to side step any unnecessary conversation that might take place. Caller ID became my savior, as I would not answer if she called. Usually there was some fucked up message left by her about if the cake should be a half inch taller or not. Shit like this. It was unbearable.

She left a 911 message about how she had to see me one day, and I went to her house before work. She was making these little flower things for the shower, and she just didn't know what to do! She had two different shades of Burgundy and couldn't decide which one was more perfect.

I'm a fucking autoworker. They breed all that girl shit out of you by the time orientation is done. I honestly could not tell a difference between the two. "You're not trying!!!" she lamented.

By the time the wedding rolled around not one of us were really talking to her except for when we had to. We stood in that receiving line like soldiers who had been through a war together. It was absolutely the worst experience ever.

These are just a couple of experiences to give you just a taste of what she put us through, and I could probably write a book on the experience. There were just that many horror stories involved with it.

I swore off weddings after that. Nevah again! I haven't talked to her since when she first got back from her honeymoon. The really sad part is a good portion of her family stopped talking to her also, as the hell I went through probably didn't compare to what they went through.

So now my other friend is getting married. I'm not doing it, no I'm not. I will stand firm this time. I give a firm No! so that she doesn't ask me again.

And then I'll go out and by the ugly bridesmaid dress, and hire the strippers.


Annie said...

When my sister got married, I was eight months pregnant at the time and a bridesmaid. The dresses were strapless on the top and ball gown on the bottom. When my sister found out that I still planned on wearing the regular dress, she threw a fit and demanded that I wear something she would have custom made. So she sent me the pictures and I knew it was going to look and fit like a plastic garbage bag. I sneakily purchased the original dress in a size that fit my pregnant body. On the night before the wedding I modeled both dreses for her and let her choose.

The original dress won and "garbage bag dress" still hangs in my closet.

princessr9 said...

Sadly I cannot identify. I've never been a bridesmaid. I was a flower girl once. All my friends are already married, so I think I will be missing out on the joy that is being a bridesmaid.

rancette said...

I hate weddings too!! My closest friends haven't gotten married yet. I dread going to their weddings.

My ex-best friend said she is getting married in a year and wants me to fly out for me. Never having been in a wedding since I was a flower girl at age 5, I asked her to pick out the ugliest bridesmaid dresses ever. But no, she had to insist that her bridesmaid dresses were going to have to be pretty and that she even wanted my input. Damn! Why can't I have a horrific dress just for once in my life? Is that too much to ask?

BTW, congrats on the Rance link! I'm not sure it has done anything for traffic on my site, but it's still exciting, right??

Anne said...

I've never been a bridesmaid, but then, I've never been a bride. :> My friends and family know that I refuse to wear dresses, so I've never been asked.
As for the woman in question, I feel really bad for her. I'd want my wedding to be perfect too. Actually no, skip that. I'd just want it to be fun. :> Good luck.

kj4ever said...

The Rance link is cool. They must have got around to filling the ten post request.

Jexebel said...

*shiver* Weddings. Screw 'em.

Pink Poppy said...

Kelly, I SOOO am with you in this, your hour of need. I have been through this SOOO many times--even reading your post was painful. As a bridesmaid who humored my friends with 10 walks down the aisle (three in VERY slightly different mauve Laura Ashley dresses w/bustle--they wouldn't just let me wear the same one for all three!), when I got engaged I thought very seriously about sending each of them the dress I wore at their wedding and making it sort of a "Bridesmaid Challenge" where they would remake the dress to fit themselves and the era and walk down the aisle in it! But it was an election year and I didn't think it would be fair to Hubby to turn the wedding into a freak show.

Instead, I took the high road and, rather than having ten bridesmaids dressed in gowns they would despise for one reason or another, I bought my 19-year-old neice a gorgous pink and white silk Victor Costa to wear as Maid of Honor and had all of the younger nieces dressed in white heirloom dresses as flower girls, and called it good. Yep, you read it right--I had NO bridesmaids. Just the MOH and five adorable flower girls. I did pull in one friend's two little girls to serve as Flower girls, but I gave her a break from bridesmaid duty since she was kind enough to elope in Mexico.

So, yes Kelly, I'm with ya'!

kj4ever said...

Oh Poppy you are singing to the choir.

I have had evil thoughts of if I ever get married how I can make them wear the ugliest dresses.

While I'm at it, I could make them wear all of the hair on the right side of their head up and have like bright orange finger nails? lol