Hall of Fame

If For Fuck's Sake had a posting hall of fame, this post would certainly be at the top for consideration.

Now I know I haven't been posting regularily, I don't have near the readers that i used to have, and life has really kicked me square in the ass for most of 2006, but I still manage to get a ton of hits from the Evile search engine Google.

Why in the world people are searching so much for how many carbs are in cough drops is beyond me. I mean, we are not talking like one or two a day, but like 20-30 people a day looking for that magic number.

The fact that Halls was advertising it was low carb freaked my shit out then, and it still freaks my shit out now.

The Making of a Disaster

So a couple of months ago I was sitting in a movie theater getting ready to watch a movie. The lights started to dim, and the now mandatory commercials came on before my beloved previews.

Then it happened. The preview for "World Trade Center" came on.

I kind of looked around the theater now lit with horrible images that are already engrained in most of our minds. Most people had a look of horror or disgust on their face.

Then the booing started. It got to be so thunderous that you could not hear Nick Cage saying any of his little catch phrases.

I'm really curious to see how this one is going to do. I'm curious to see if it is just this midwestern town that found this movie in totally bad taste or if the rest of America is going to agree.

Forces of Nature

So I have this friend, and she's a real force of nature.

I also have this sometimes boyfriend, who is also a force of nature.

I know, I know. I'm supposed to stay away from The Mystery Man. It has become increasingly hard to do that since he has moved a mere 4 1/2 hours away, to Northern Kentucky, right outside of Cincinnati. Maybe I should hook him up with Kate the Great. Then again, maybe I shouldn't. I know she wants the whole marriage/kids thing, and he would run away screaming his fool head off at the first mention of marriage.

Which is also why we are a good fit. I am not really into that whole be-with-the-same-person-all-of-your-life thing either.

Anyway, back to my dilemma. TMM has not met all of my friends, considering out of the 6 years of back and forth dating he has only lived in the same area as me for about a year. I've been selective about who he has met, and who he hasn't.

My friend M is one that I have selectively chosen to not meet him.

M has one of the best hearts I have ever known. She would do anything in the world for you. Kind, caring, generous, she's a great person.

She is also very obnoxious. Like REAL obnoxious, especially if she has a few cocktails. An only child with all the trappings that are generally associated with only children, she can be a bit much for someone who does not already know she is this kind, caring, generous person.

In all honesty, when I first met her I couldn't stand her, but her hubby is a great friend of mine, so I put up with her. Over time, I came to know the "real" her, and not the "public" her.

You see, when there is a party or gathering of friends, M has a totally different side to her, and it can be rather annoying. Attention is her drug of choice, and she will do whatever it takes to get it.

Say someone does a shot of tequila. She's say, "OH YEAH? Watch this!" and drink a whole glass full of tequila. No matter what topic of conversation there is she will turn it into something about her.

Now mind you this kind of junk only goes on when there are more then 4 people around. Normally she is fine.

The Mystery Man will clash with her, and clash bad.

About a month ago he spent the weekend here, and I toyed with the idea of getting the two of them together. Then M called me and said, "I need to check this guy out, put him through his paces, see if he's good enough for you."

Rut Ro

This made me immediately change my mind. I wanted to have fun this weekend, not a screaming match. You see, if people say smart ass comments back to her rather obnoxious behavior, she gets pissed, especially if alcohol is involved.

And you see, The Mystery Man is the KING of smart ass comments, which is one of the reasons why I puffy heart him so much.

Well all of this is coming to a head, dear readers, because in a week and a half I am hosting a Luau for my niece's 20th birthday.

Thy Mystery Man wants to come. M will definitely be there.

I repeat, Rut Ro.

So I've tried warning him about this potentially explosive situation. TMM would never be mean, but he sure as hell would call someone out if they are acting inappropriately.

Which would cause M to really, really hate him. Which would cause me to hear endless conversations about why she really, really hates him.

At first I thought it was maybe just me being a bit paranoid, until the first words out of my best friend R, who knows TMM, said, "How the hell are you going to keep M in line during a whole party?"

Rut Ro

So we've debated the situation between ourselves. Should we try to talk to her? I think that might make it worse, or worse yet, hurt her feelings, since she really doesn't believe she acts this way.

Should we talk to her long suffering husband, who knows how she is, has been embarrassed to many times to mention by her, but deals with it cuz he loves her?

Should I tell TMM that it is cancelled even though it's not cuz he lives so far away he'd never know?

We quickly ruled that option out, as I cannot lie to save my life and would so be busted.

The option of talking to her was ruled out because the last time someone tried to do that she actually cried. It hurt her feelings so bad that she was devastated. Not enough to stop the behavior, but if I made her cry I'd feel like total pond scum.

Talking to her hubby option probably won't work because while he will sympathize with my situation, he probably won't be able to do anything to remedy the problem. If he hasn't been able to remedy this problem in 13 years, I'm sure he won't be able to now.

So we came up with another option. If TMM doesn't roll with the punches, he is not having sex that weekend.

Ok, back the fuck up. Now this is punishing ME, and that is just not going to fly.

So I am out of options.

I am fucked.

If anyone out there has an option I have not thought of, please let me know. Now I know I have a certain control over TMM, one that only a woman who knows exactly what he likes can have, and I'm sure I can keep him towing the line.

But I will hear about it afterwards. Either from him or her, I will hear about it.

This sucks.

Baxter the Wonder Dog

So Baxter was my first experience with having a really, really large dog. I had lived with two dogs in my lifetime at that point, Samantha (named after BeWitched), a terrier mix that was somewhere around 20 pounds and Sasha, the anti-christ 4 pound Yorkshire Terrier. He was a gift from my manager at my job, and needless to say my parents were! not! happy! about it one bit.

He looked just like the dog from "Please Don't Eat the Daisies" (showing my age people). Baxter was an adorable puppy, and none of us were prepared for just how big he was going to get.

Thankfully my parents ran their own business and had a huge fenced in backyard. As Baxter grew he did not like to be in the house at all, and would cry every time he came in. The only time he did come in and was satisfied was when I slept. He would sleep in my doorway, never with me. We weren't used to dogs that didn't like to just sit in our laps and be cuddled, so this was a totally new experience.

He could also be out of the fence, and would walk the perimeter of their business as if guarding it. Considering we lived on a major four lane highway, this was amazing. Baxter knew what his property was, and he was their to protect it.

Problems started to arise when he was around a year old. I had moved out, but I would bring Baxter to my parents backyard while I was at work. Their Garden Center parking lot was right next to the fence. Baxter was fine as the customers came in and out, but he would hang on the fence looking so damn cute that people would want to pet him.

They always ignored the "DON'T PET THE DOG" signs or the "BEWARE OF DOG" signs, because he just looked so friendly. Well, as soon as that hand went over that fence, they entered Baxter's territory. This was not good people. Many a person almost lost their hand by doing that.

So Baxter was becoming more and more of a pain in the ass. He meant well, really he did. I have never in my life seen a dog more protective of his land or his family.

This didn't satisfy my parents who were scared to death that despite the signs they were going to get sued or someone was going to seriously get hurt.

So an extension was put on the fence on the parking lot side, paid for by yours truly (damn tough love parents), and the problem was solved. My bank account took a spanking, but my dog was allowed back in the fence.

Then the day came that made me a true believer in big dogs for the rest of my life.

I had painted my apartment and was staying with the parental units for a weekend while the fumes cleared out. It was hot outside, so staying there with windows open would be torture. Some friends and I painted all day late into the night.

I drove my tired ass to my parents house to get a shower and some beautiful air conditioning. Baxter had stayed their the whole time, because painting would not! be! fun! with a 150 pound sheepdog in the mix.

I pulled into the dark parking lot and got out of my car. Now one thing you learn when you live on a major highway that stretches coast to coast is their are some really weird fucking people that travel at night.

Well one of these weird fucking people came out of no where and grabbed my arm.

"What are you doing here girly-girl?"

I can still hear that phrase in my nightmares every once in awhile.

Now I've always thought I was a tough chick that could take care of myself, but I learned that night that when a man that out weighs you by probably 60 pounds wants to drag you somewhere, he is probably going to be able to do it. I also learned that the mace on my keychain was pretty much useless when he had my arms bound to my side by his shear force.

He pulled me towards him and wrapped his hand around my mouth. I fought against him with all my might, but it was furtile. He was just to strong.

He was dragging me to the back of the garden center when I heard it. This low, rumbling growl. Baxter had went to the side of the fence that didn't have an extension, jumped it, jumped into my neighbors yard, jumped that fence, and then ran down the street to get back to our parking lot.

I had never seen dog attack a person before. Baxter clamped on to the guy's thigh and he let me go, trying to get the dog off of him. I ran like hell to my parents house screaming my head off, my parents woke up, police were called, and the man, about half dead from what my dog continued to do to him until the police showed up, was arrested and taken to the hospital.

My cute, beautiful sheepdog was now red instead of white, and treated like a king amoung kings after that incident. It still makes me want to throw up thinking about what might have happened if he wasn't there. It ended up the man was wanted for rape in a couple of states and a possible homicide.

Baxter was only 2 years old when he disappeared. You see, after this incident he learned he could "be free" by jumping the fences. Now if we let him out of the fence he would walk the perimeter of our property and never, ever leave it. But once he was outside of that area, he was just gone.

So a couple of times we caught him coming back home. A couple of times the police called us from a couple of miles away to please come get him. Everyone knew Baxter as he was a bit of a local hero, but the cops also saw what he did to that horrible man and were scared to death of him. They would patiently follow him with their car until we went and got him.

The fencing people were coming to put an extension on that side of the fence the day that Baxter didn't come home.

Frantic searches to shelters and the police being on alert for him turned up nothing. It was like he disappeared into thin air. About the only thing we can think of is someone opened up their car door and he got in. Once he was away from his property he was fine with people, and he loved going in the car.

I like to think that a nice family took him home and he lived out his life on some big farm running and playing. I don't believe I could stay sane if I didn't hold on to that little fantasy.

He really taught me that love comes in all different forms. While he didn't sleep with me or sit by me all the time or want to be cuddled, that dog loved me to no end. That dog saved me from what could have been a life ruining experience, or really possibly a life ending experience.

Which is why I now love big dogs. Now I know not all big dogs are as smart/protective as Baxter was, but I do know this. Mace wasn't going to help me. A gun wouldn't have helped me.

But that big dog saved my life, and I will love him and be grateful until the day I die.

My Dog, the Graduate

So lil (or not so little) Nitro has graduated from puppy kindergarten.



Unfortunately the pic of him with his little hat on turned out real blurry as he felt he Must! Eat! The! Tassel! once we put it on him.

Damn dog.

He's going to another class soon that isn't in the middle of some cheesy pet store chain floor. He's going to "big dog school", a school where they teach the working dogs like police and search and rescue dogs. I want him to go through as much training as possible, because he very well could end up weighing more then I do.

The "big dog school" wouldn't take him before because he was to young, so I enrolled him in the cheesy chain store school just to get him some basics so I could control a puppy that at five months is prolly around 70 pounds.

Many people have asked me why the hell I didn't just get a little dog and be done with it.

I have an unfair and unnatural prejudice against any dog that can get it's ass kicked by a hamster.

When the dog I grew up with died my Mother promptly went out and bought a teacup Yorkshire Terrier From Hell.

Her name was Sasha. I still hate that name. This dog gave new meaning to the word bitch. Granted at first I hated this dog because I felt like they replaced a member of my family with a damn dog that was only 6 ounces when she came home. She wasn't big enough to go down the stairs until she was around a year old, and even then I think she weighed in at a whopping 4 pounds.

It didn't take long for her to give me a real reason not to like her. She was 4 pounds, but had the attitude of a 100 pound dog. My GOD this dog was unreal. Say you accidently kicked her, which was real easy considering she was always under foot and so small.

She would go find YOUR shoes and poop in them. Just a total nightmare. High pitched barking, would jump up on you and scratch, and always wanted to be in your lap.

If for some odd reason you didn't want this anti-christ in your lap she would growl at and/or bite you.

God I fucking hate small dogs....So ok I know they aren't all bad and some are well behaved. A friend of mine has a Shitzu that is cool as hell. I think the problem is most people get a small dog and they think, "It's a small dog, it can't do damage. It doesn't need trained."

Bullshit. All dogs should be trained. Add the fact that people for some reason think it is fun to dress these little monsters up and you just have an untolerable situation. I mean really, God wouldn't have gave them fucking fur if he wanted them to wear clothes.

My great love of big dogs started around the age of 18, when I got my first big dog, a 150 pound Old English Sheepdog named Baxter.

We'll save that for tomorrow......

Under Construction

So I'm living in a construction zone right now. No, the greedy ass town has not forced me to sell my house yet, but I made a decision.

If these people do come in here and do make me sell my house, they are gonna pay for it, and pay dearly.

So I called up my friend C who does random construction when he needs money and still lives in his parent's basement.

He's 33 by the way. 33 and hott with 2 t's. 33 and would probably be the most fuckable person I know except for the fact that he's permanently stuck in that stage most people go through when they are around the age of 18.

Such a waste. Anyway, so I call up C and tell him I need some work done. Major work.

He fixed my door and put a nice new deck in for me a couple of months ago, but I'm going to be expanding on it. Part of it is going to be screened in with this cute Gazebo type thing I found at Costco. Oh how I heart Costco.

Then I'm getting hardwood floors in a majority of my house, new wood trim, new landscaping, a small pond, painting every room, a couple of dangerously leaning trees cut down, new window treatments, and a wall knocked down to make two small bedrooms one big bedroom.

There goes my savings account.

But I made a decision. If or when these bastards ever decide they are going to buy me out of my house, they are going to pay for it. That, and I haven't done much work to my house because I always considered it more of a starter type home for me. I was planning on moving this year, but since the rich people are invading my neighborhood I decided to wait it out.

So I'm getting everything new, everything the way I would have wanted it in my new home I was planning on purchasing. So right now my house smells like paint fumes, I have no floor in part of it, and I'm trying to keep this guy



from causing more destruction. I mean, more destruction then he already causes like eating my cell phone, kitchen table, random shoes (shoes! for the love of GOD! not the shoes!), the wood trim in my bedroom (hence the replacement), and the passenger's side seat in my SUV. Having a puppy that is 5 months old and oh I'd say around 65-70 pounds is so! not! fun!


So things are crazy around the kayjay household right now, but at least I'll have some good eye candy. Think of an Italian version of Matthew McConaughey. Think of a 6'5 Italian version of Matthew McConaughey.

Nice, eh?

Run for Your Life!

It's the seventh sign!!!  Earthquakes will consume the earth.  Tidal waves, tornadoes, chaos, and the apocalypse in general are all about to happen.

Why am I so sure of all this doom and gloom? The media has actually reported a Toyota recall.

Update-sort of

So I could apologize for not writing, but the truth of the matter is I have been writing quite a bit.

Just not here.

I've been working a lot on my other writing, you know the kind I hope might get turned into a movie one day. I suppose all my creative juices have been flowing in that direction, so I've been a bit tapped when I go to do a blog post.

So my blog has been neglected, but not forgotten. Those damn Baby Boomers won't let me. You see, even though a lot of you bloggers have probably given up on me (and I don't blame you), the search engines live on.

My 50 is the new 30 post gets at least 40 search hits a day. They inevitably go back to those February '05 archives and read my delusional boomer post and my rants on the echo bastards.

Then they email me. Quite a bit, actually. I am pretty sure that I put not ALL boomers are like that, that not all echo boomers are bastards, and that not all Gen Xer's got fucked. But quite a few people take these posts rather close to heart, like I wrote it about them personally.

Which I think is some funny shit, let me tell you. Thou protest to much.

Another big one from the search engine camp is the E Harmony posts in the December archives. Thank god they haven't found the one about them hating fat people.

I've been emailed quite a few times about how E Harmony is for people serious about finding relationships and that I shouldn't treat it like a game or laugh at it.

Don't worry people, when my birthday present ran it's course I didn't re-sign up. But I still think it's funny. Sue me.

Oh, and I've been dealing with a puppy that now weighs somewhere in the neighborhood of 60-70 pounds at 4 1/2 months old, which is so not fun.



So far he has ate a $200 cell phone, dug a hole in my bedroom carpet, went through the screen in my brand new storm door, and ate the corner off my coffee table. He is big enough to reach all counters and tables in my house, and my beautiful wall length window in my kitchen can no longer be open because he thinks it's an escape hatch.

He also follows me everywhere I go, sleeps on the end of my bed, and patiently wakes me up in the morning by staring at me like I am the most bestest person in the whole entire world.

Somehow this makes up for all the destruction. He isn't a bad dog, just misunderstood is what my niece says. Now he does have his good qualities, as he has excelled in potty training (THANK GOD), and passed beginning puppy training with flying colors.

He was like the valedictorian of his class, if they had one. Nitro will sit, lay down, shake, roll over, stay (sometimes), leave it, take it, and drop in on command. Not to shabby for a 4 1/2 month old. Now if he would just stop chewing and/or running through things we'd have it made.

I still totally adore him though, in spite of it all. He's a big mamma's boy, big baby. He's afraid of birds and when his little 20 pound beagle pal gets mad. It doesn't hurt that he's just too cute for words.

So that's what I've been up to. Writing and damage control. I can't promise that I'm going to be blogging on a regular basis, but I really have no intention of closing up shop. I will be checking in occasionally, and really do plan on blogging regularly once I have my current script completed.

Stay tuned....

Charmed I'm Sure

So now that I have TiVo I can catch up on all those pop culture-ie things I have missed out on while being a night shift type traveling person for the last 8 years.

I will full well admit with just a hint of embarrassment that one of my guilty pleasures is the show "Charmed".

Now I have only randomly watched Charmed over the what, 8 or so years that it was on. After that brought in their kid Chris from the future I didn't really watch it anymore. It wasn't so much because the show jumped the shark, but because it was just missing something, or someone....

That would be Cole. The world's perfect man.

But never fear, because Cole lives on in the land of re-runs on TNT.

So yesterday my TiVo picked up those first episodes that had Cole in them. When he meets Phoebe, and he is just oh so bad.

I vaguely remember them making him good and getting rid of his demon side. He was a mere mortal, and was a total freakin' wuss.

Cole was at his best when he was still a demon, but trying to be good because he loved Phoebe. He didn't really do bad things, but every once in awhile he'd get that flicker of bad in his eye.

I loved me some Cole then. I loved me some Charmed then. Not so much after Cole got all good then went bye-bye.

This is probably really telling. Perhaps I should stay single forever, eh?

Gimmicks Galore!

So I've been getting these little emails from reunion.com.

"You've received 230 views to your profile this year! Could it be an old high school buddy? A long-lost love? A family member you may have lost touch with over the years? Find out now!"

Find out now is a link that takes you directly to a page asking for your credit card to become a paying member of the site.

I can't help but wonder how many adults there are out there that fall for this shit. How many adults really care who the hell is looking for them from high school.

I could care less. It isn't even tempting for me. While talking to one of my friends that is also on the site she informed me that only 26 people have viewed her profile.

It's a bitch being popular, let me tell ya.

Well, I wasn't exactly popular, not in the traditional sense anyway. I wasn't the homecoming queen, I wasn't the smartest, and I wasn't the worst.

But all those people were my friends. More like aquaintances. A lot of that had to do with the fact that my brother who was a senior when I was a freshman was the "it" guy-you know, the local version of a boy bander. The one that all the girls in school swoon over.

Gross.

So instead of being Jeanie from Ferris Bueller's Day off I rode the wave and was popular right along with him. I had a great time in high school, but I still wouldn't go back there for all the money in the world.

Well, maybe for all the money in the world, but definitely not for like $100,000 or sumfin.

So where was I? Oh yeah, reunion.com. I can't help but think the people that fall for that gimmicky shit are people that would go back to high school for free. Those people that still yearn to be accepted and popular. Those people that are secretly praying my brother is single and will fall madly in love with them from across a crowded room and wonder why the hell he never noticed them in high school.

Now I'll admit I had an "it" guy in high school, and unfortunately he was my "friend". In my mid twenties I had a Romy and Michele moment with him, as he had turned into a fat landscaper with bad hair and a bit of a drinking problem. There are no wild high school fantasies going on in my head, let me tell you. He totally ruined it.

So the question is, would you want to know who was clicking on your profile, or are you like me and could care less about people from so long ago?

Here Comes the Neighborhood

So we've all heard the expression "There goes the Neighborhood", but in my situation it is the exact opposite.

My neighborhood is being invaded by rich people.

I moved to this quiet little lake town when I decided I needed to buy a house because of the ginormous amount of taxes I pay as a single person with no kids that worked lots of overtime.

It is a quirky little town on the outskirts of Chicago, one that has lots of different classes of people. One side of the lake is really, really rich people. The other side, where I live, is more middle class. Surrounding the rich and middle class are small little houses that used to be weekend homes for the Chicago folk that have now turned into permanent residences. These tend to be the people from the "wrong side of the tracks".

So this little sleepy town has started getting a major makeover since the Supreme Court decided that a town can just take your fucking house whenever they damn well want to, whether it is for a road or to promote economic growth.

Almost to the day that this decision was passed down by our highest court in the land the bulldozers moved in. Two blocks from my house they are building condos that start at $400,000. Considering the most expensive house in my subdivision goes for around $160,000, this is a big increase.

It makes me wonder what is to come. If this decision is going to one day force me to sell my house to make room for the rich people that want to live near a big lake. Down the street the developers have acquired a piece of property and the rumor mill has said the condos going in there will start at a million dollars.

Originally I moved here because property taxes were reasonable, crime was at a minimum, and it really was such a diverse mix of individuals. Great location, reasonable priced housing, and a beautiful lake.

What more could you want? My yellow lab and I spent many a night on the public pier watching the lake at sunset. We met so many interesting people, from all walks of life.

Yet I have a feeling all of this is going to change now. The affordable housing will be gone. Taxes are going to go through the roof, causing the more modest income families to sell their homes.

Now maybe I am just paranoid. Maybe that development was really in the works for a long time and it was just a coincidence that once that decision was passed down my town started to get bulldozed to the ground.

But some how I doubt it. This town has not had the development because of those "wrong side of the tracks" people. It is just funny how two months after that passed things started to change around here, and changed rapidly.

It makes me wonder if one day I will have to sell my house because some millionaire likes the location and wants to build a bigger house on my land. The court's decision was for an office building, but I am betting greedy developers will use the whole economic growth scenario to take desirable areas from normal people to build for the rich.

Maybe I'm taking a big leap to make that connection, maybe I'm paranoid, or maybe I have just lost faith in the ability for our government to distinguish between right and wrong.

Time will tell, and oh how I hope I am wrong. Otherwise all us middle class and poor folk are going to end up living next to garbage dumps.

Nitro Comes Home

My little guy has joined my little fur family



Everyone altogether now...

Awwwwwwwww!