Forces of Nature

So I have this friend, and she's a real force of nature.

I also have this sometimes boyfriend, who is also a force of nature.

I know, I know. I'm supposed to stay away from The Mystery Man. It has become increasingly hard to do that since he has moved a mere 4 1/2 hours away, to Northern Kentucky, right outside of Cincinnati. Maybe I should hook him up with Kate the Great. Then again, maybe I shouldn't. I know she wants the whole marriage/kids thing, and he would run away screaming his fool head off at the first mention of marriage.

Which is also why we are a good fit. I am not really into that whole be-with-the-same-person-all-of-your-life thing either.

Anyway, back to my dilemma. TMM has not met all of my friends, considering out of the 6 years of back and forth dating he has only lived in the same area as me for about a year. I've been selective about who he has met, and who he hasn't.

My friend M is one that I have selectively chosen to not meet him.

M has one of the best hearts I have ever known. She would do anything in the world for you. Kind, caring, generous, she's a great person.

She is also very obnoxious. Like REAL obnoxious, especially if she has a few cocktails. An only child with all the trappings that are generally associated with only children, she can be a bit much for someone who does not already know she is this kind, caring, generous person.

In all honesty, when I first met her I couldn't stand her, but her hubby is a great friend of mine, so I put up with her. Over time, I came to know the "real" her, and not the "public" her.

You see, when there is a party or gathering of friends, M has a totally different side to her, and it can be rather annoying. Attention is her drug of choice, and she will do whatever it takes to get it.

Say someone does a shot of tequila. She's say, "OH YEAH? Watch this!" and drink a whole glass full of tequila. No matter what topic of conversation there is she will turn it into something about her.

Now mind you this kind of junk only goes on when there are more then 4 people around. Normally she is fine.

The Mystery Man will clash with her, and clash bad.

About a month ago he spent the weekend here, and I toyed with the idea of getting the two of them together. Then M called me and said, "I need to check this guy out, put him through his paces, see if he's good enough for you."

Rut Ro

This made me immediately change my mind. I wanted to have fun this weekend, not a screaming match. You see, if people say smart ass comments back to her rather obnoxious behavior, she gets pissed, especially if alcohol is involved.

And you see, The Mystery Man is the KING of smart ass comments, which is one of the reasons why I puffy heart him so much.

Well all of this is coming to a head, dear readers, because in a week and a half I am hosting a Luau for my niece's 20th birthday.

Thy Mystery Man wants to come. M will definitely be there.

I repeat, Rut Ro.

So I've tried warning him about this potentially explosive situation. TMM would never be mean, but he sure as hell would call someone out if they are acting inappropriately.

Which would cause M to really, really hate him. Which would cause me to hear endless conversations about why she really, really hates him.

At first I thought it was maybe just me being a bit paranoid, until the first words out of my best friend R, who knows TMM, said, "How the hell are you going to keep M in line during a whole party?"

Rut Ro

So we've debated the situation between ourselves. Should we try to talk to her? I think that might make it worse, or worse yet, hurt her feelings, since she really doesn't believe she acts this way.

Should we talk to her long suffering husband, who knows how she is, has been embarrassed to many times to mention by her, but deals with it cuz he loves her?

Should I tell TMM that it is cancelled even though it's not cuz he lives so far away he'd never know?

We quickly ruled that option out, as I cannot lie to save my life and would so be busted.

The option of talking to her was ruled out because the last time someone tried to do that she actually cried. It hurt her feelings so bad that she was devastated. Not enough to stop the behavior, but if I made her cry I'd feel like total pond scum.

Talking to her hubby option probably won't work because while he will sympathize with my situation, he probably won't be able to do anything to remedy the problem. If he hasn't been able to remedy this problem in 13 years, I'm sure he won't be able to now.

So we came up with another option. If TMM doesn't roll with the punches, he is not having sex that weekend.

Ok, back the fuck up. Now this is punishing ME, and that is just not going to fly.

So I am out of options.

I am fucked.

If anyone out there has an option I have not thought of, please let me know. Now I know I have a certain control over TMM, one that only a woman who knows exactly what he likes can have, and I'm sure I can keep him towing the line.

But I will hear about it afterwards. Either from him or her, I will hear about it.

This sucks.