Sunday, January 08, 2006

Baby + Baby

They say when you die and go to hell, which let's face it, is a good possibility for me, you spend the rest of eternity in a place that brings the most fear, pain, suffering, and anguish that you can think of.

I visited my personal hell today.

It was my sister-in-law's baby shower.

Yup, my brother has knocked her up again. Not only did he knock her up, but he had to pay twice for the same ride.

You guessed it, twins.

See, I told you a lot has happened while I was on blogging hiatus.

Now I am not a total heartless bitch. I'm excited. I love all my nieces and nephews to death, and really enjoy spoiling the shit out of them.

This also clears up another problem in my life. Since I'm 35 and have no children, the odds are really against me ever having one. This is not an accident people.

Anyway, if you do the math, factor in that most people in my family almost make it to a hundred unless there's a freak accident, and realize that since I was a later in life baby and the current nieces and nephews aren't all that much younger then me, who the hell is left to take care of me when I'm old?

I mean really, the niece that lives with me is only like 15 years younger then me. If I'm 95 I don't want some old 80 year old taking care of me for fuck's sake!

But these two......That's a whole 35 year difference as my SIL is about to pop any day. I could have a spry 60 year old taking care of me when I'm in my 90's.

Oh these kids are going to be spoiled. Anyway, where the fuck was I? Oh yeah, HELL.

Who came up with the idea of having baby and/or wedding showers? For as long as I can remember I have hated them. It is just not right to put that much Estrogen in one room.

Why can't they be like Christmas? You know, everyone could come in the middle of the night and leave a present around like a baby tree or something.

For any of you men reading, you just don't realize how truly horrid these things are. They herd a bunch of women into a room who are dressed up like they are going to church on Easter Sunday.

There are no men there. Why do we have to primp and look good? We should be able to wear sweat pants with holes in them. Why go through all the pains of looking your best when no men are going to see you, FFS?

How bad the next part is depends on how much money was spent on the shower. Now my SIL's was pretty decent as it was catered, but sometimes you are in big trouble and have the dreaded pot luck food that was cooked God only knows where and has more calories then a super sized meal from Mickey D's.

So you eat and listen to such intellectually stimulating conversation about how Jr. just can't seem to be potty trained or how the Mr. is working long hours and neglecting them so much. This is usually sprinkled in with comments like "Why aren't you married," and "Hang in their Honey, you'll find him."

*Herk* Then I can be as happy as all of them, right? Ummm, no thanks.

So once you get through the meal and intellectually stimulating conversation they start in on the worst part.

Baby Shower Games not to be confused with it's cousin, Wedding Shower Games.

This is the absolute worst part. You play the stupidest games you can think of like "How Many Pink Q-tips are in the jar" or "Pin the baby on the Mommy" or "Baby Bingo".

Does anyone enjoy this? Huh? Am I some kind of mutant female that thinks all of this is just... Stupid? Boring? Pointless?

So you win some prize from the dollar store. Well, most do. I usually get like a "we feel sorry for the poor single girl that knows not of these things" prize because I always lose.

Why can't they just give everyone their G Damned $1.00 candle with the hot glued beads on it and get it over with already? I'm usually ready to scratch my eyes out after we have eaten, so cutting to the chase instead of this kind of inhumane torture would be welcomed by me and all other mutant females missing the shower gene.

So then the Mommy-to-be opens her presents, which takes fucking forever because all the supermoms have a flippin' contest to see who can wrap the best and use the most tape. Then Mommy-to-be has to hold up every single present and wait while everyone goes "Oooooooooooo Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh."

You could definitely see the difference in me and most of the women at the shower when she held up what looked to me like a mini toilet brush and I said "Is that a toilet brush" and people laughed and were like "No siiiilly it's to clean bottles."

Then you run like hell, or at least I do. It isn't considered rude to leave once the presents are opened, so that is when I make my get-a-way, running like my life depends on it. For all I know they sacrifice small animals after the gifts are opened.

God I fucking hate showers. I'm just not cut out for that stuff. I don't belong, I don't understand them, and I usually make certain I have to work on those days and send a gift.

I really am thinking that most women have got to hate these things. I mean really, who could enjoy this shit? You have to be fucked in the head to like this stuff. Women need to ban together and put a stop to this demented freakin' practice, don't you think? A Baby Tree is looking better and better.

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