Friday, January 19, 2007

Stopping the Cycle

So I'm afraid of things. Most of them are things that most people are afraid of like spiders and snakes and really any kind of bug.

Some are not so common like how I'm scared to death of Jaws. Like that doesn't seem to uncommon I suppose, but when you stop to think about the fact that I'm afraid of Jaws in like Lake Michigan or a really big swimming pool late at night you start to come to the conclusion that this is not an ordinary fear.

Which, by the way, I still blame on my stupid ass Aunt who took me to see Jaws when I was like 5.

Anyway, I have this other unusual fear. It has drove many of the ex boyfriends crazy. The Mystery Man and I used to travel a lot, and I think it got to him the most. "It is just IRRATIONAL," he would say. "I'm sitting right here for God's sake!"

Just what was this irrational fear of mine? Something that terrified me so much I would never, ever do it in a million years, even with a big strong man right next to me?

Eating in the car.

Yes, you read that right. I have a highly irrational fear of eating in the car. TMM and I used to take this long road trips up the California coast and I'd insist we stop and eat instead of grabbing something to eat in the car.

Now I explained why I have an irrational fear of Jaws, so I guess I should explain why I have this irrational fear of eating in the car.

If you've read my blog at all you know that I grew up as a chunky/fat kid and lost weight in my early twenties.

Well that fat person doesn't go away when you lose weight, and she is always there, just behind your eyes.

My fear isn't because I'm afraid I'll get fat again, but because of a death. The death of someone I never met in my entire life.

I was working for a two doctors while I was going to college-Married doctors just out of school. They were Optometrists, and one day they informed me they would be leaving town because a friend of theirs had died.

This friend died while eating a Ho-Ho in the car. Choked to death. Now this was not enough to give me my irrational fear, no sir. It was what the male asshole doctor said after he told me how he died. "Figures. That guy was so fat he probably ate all the time!"

Now at this time I was in the middle of going from chunky to curvy. Anyone who has ever been fat, is fat, might become fat, or is a skinny woman that has been called fat because jackasses know they can get to any female by calling her fat no matter how skinny she is (why is that?)can tell you when you hear the word fat you equate it to me.

What if I died eating a Ho-Ho in my car? What if I died eating M&M's? Imagine the people saying, "Well that tank ass never could control her volumes of food."

So began the fear. I don't think I have eaten in my car since then.

Well today I stared that fear down. I've been moved back to days for a week at work, and after a complete nightmare of a day which included no calories at all, I was feeling a big light headed and weak.

So I stopped at a Subway outside of work on my way home. My Veggie Delight on wheat sat there in the seat next to me begging to be eaten. Now I could have just ate there, but after being gone for 10 hours and my doggy sitter came after I was only gone for 2 I had to get home right away considering the sizable "mistake" a 125 pound puppy would make if he couldn't hold it any longer.

So I'm driving on 94 with all the construction and asshats that don't know how to drive, and I'm starting to feel really, really sick. So I have a choice to make. Will I be the idiot that passed out from low blood sugar and caused the 20 car pile up on 94 and died or the formerly fat girl that choked to death on a veggie delight sub?

I chose the later, thus going against my irrational fear of eating in the car, and I lived to tell (or write) about it..

I'm thinking nothing can help me with the spider/bug thing, but at least I can eat when I'm hungry now.

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