Now I've been pulled over for just about everything you can think imagine. Speeding, blowing red lights (it was yellow, I swear officer), unsafe start, unsafe lane change (I didn't even know that existed), swerving, and expired license plates.
Never once did I receive a ticket. I have a tried and true plan on how not to get tickets. Tell the truth. I did it, I'm sorry, give me a ticket if you must and let's get the show on the road.
Double DD's don't hurt either.
Anyway.
I was driving through my old hometown this morning on my way to visit some family. Of course I was arriving late because it is unnatural to be up early on a Sunday morning unless you are a church person, which by the amount of fuck's you'll find in my blog, I'm obviously not.
So this ticket might have ground on me a bit since I seem to be spiraling to 40 at an alarming rate.
The only thing that saved me and my self esteem was who gave me the ticket.
It was that bastard from Kindergarten.
Now don't ever, ever think things you have done in your past will not come back to haunt you. Don't ever, ever think that your actions did not effect people, no matter how small, no matter how young you were.
So let's go back in time, shall we? The year was 1976 and I was starting Kindergarten. Much to my horror I found a little boy in my class that had the same name as me-Kelly. Not only that, but he had the common version of my last name.
My great great great grandfather changed our last name when he stole a horse and was on the run from the law. It was actually weirder before, but the way he changed the spelling has been the bane of my existence ever since then.
So my real last name is one letter off from being a real common last name and sounds completely different. Fucking criminals.
Anyway, so this potato of a head little boy decides that it is funny to point out that my last name is spelled wrong and that I have a boy first name, which all the other kids thought was real funny.
I kept it cool man, because even at that young of an age I think I knew that little children can pick out weakness better then anyone on Earth. They can smell that shit from a mile away because none of that survival of the fittest stuff has been deprogrammed from their little brains.
"Who's gonna listen to you, you are the Smelly Kelly!" I said. How one little sentence could make such an impact.
He cracked. You could see the panic and discomfort as he scanned the room to see if anyone had picked up on that one. Oh, they had. They sensed that weakness. They sensed that fear. Little kids are brutal, man.
So boy Kelly with the misspelled last name was forgotten about and Smelly Kelly was in for the rest of the year. He was Catholic, so he went to a private school after that, but rumor has it that he was called that all through elementary school.
Whoops....He started it....I finished it...Survival of the fittest, right?
Well it may have been survival of the fittest, but he definitely ended up getting the last laugh.
Yep, Smelly Kelly is the one that pulled me over. Smelly Kelly is the one that gave me my first ticket.
He did the whole I'm a bad ass cop swagger to my car. I rolled down the window while my breasts were accidentally flying out of my shirt. All of this while trying to get the big beast Nitro's head inside the car.
Isn't he cute? Anyway...
So I thought Smelly Kelly looked sort of familiar, but I haven't seen him since an accidental meeting in like 10th grade. I gave him the "I'm sorry Officer, I know I was speeding" blah blah blah speech as I handed him my license.
The look of utter disgust as he recognized my name was clear. Crystal even...
"I remember you from Kindergarten," he said. "I'm Kelly _____"
Fuck me running. I knew I was screwed. I'm kind of surprised he didn't search my car and like plant drugs in it or something. He was probably afraid that Nitro would eat him.
So as always karma has come around from a bad thing I did, which totally isn't fair since it was a self defense sort of deal. It kind of left me thinking though....
If all it takes is $159 to have not been called Boy Kelly with the fucked up last name for the rest of my scholastic career, then I'll take it.
Smelly Kelly still got the wrong end of the deal.
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