Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Worst Birthday Present Ever

So one of my "friends" decided that a really great Birthday present for me would be a three month subscription to Eharmony.

Yes, as in on-line dating site Eharmony.

"Uhhh, thanks?" was about all my flabbergasted self could spit out.

It turns out she has met the love of her life there, and wants to spread the wealth. Kind of like those people who when they are first in love they decide everyone needs to be in love too.

But E-freakin'-harmony?

For me?

Ok, ok, I'll admit to being in the middle of what some would call a dry spell. I call it more of a self-imposed exile from meeting idjits.

I've been dating, but haven't exactly found any men of quality. In the past a lot of my boyfriends started out as friends. I just don't have that whole romantic notion that Prince Charming is going to sweep me off my feet. In fact, if they are overly romantic at first the red and blue alarm lights over my head begin to flash and wail immediately.

So I'm a tough sell. So what? Being without a second half doesn't bother me in the least bit, but it sure as hell seems to bother other people. They can't wrap their brains around the fact that I am perfectly content when I do not have a significant other.

This is not to say that I don't like have another significant other, but that I'd rather be alone then date some moron with a hand full of pick-up lines and a bottle of wine.

Needless to say, this gift didn't exactly thrill me. I know it came from a good thought, but the present went horribly awry.

"It really works," she tells me. "They match you up by your profile. You take a series of tests to determine your personality and how it matches up with others."

Even though I pretty much think this is a joke, I decide to check it out, considering it is free and all. I'll probably get a good laugh out of it. The start page booms "Ready to Find the Love of Your Life? Eharmony!" It then goes on to show a bunch of Real! Live! People! who have found love, happiness, and the answer to world peace on Eharmony!

It kind of freaks me out because the couples all look like brother and sister.

So I take the personality test, hoping the love of my life isn't my brother. You can put pictures up, but I decide against it because this is supposed to be all about finding someone with your interests, right? I begin getting people in the "My Matches" portion of the site.

So what now? I can begin communication with any of these people by sending out five pre-written questions for them to answer. I read over some of the people in My Matches.

I debate with myself on if I should start communication with some of the people that seem interesting. This is all a joke, right? Hell, it couldn't hurt if I found the love of my life, as long as it's not my brother.

So I send the five pre-written questions out to a couple of people, just to see what happens next.

The next day I get a couple of emails saying "This match has decided to close communication with you. The reason? No picture in profile.

Personality matching my ass.

My friend calls me up and asks how it is going. "Umm, not real well. They keep closing me because I don't have a picture up."

"Oh you really need to put your picture up. I mean, part of any relationship is attraction, and they just want to see if they would be physically attracted to you before they put an investment into you."

Yeah, right.

So I start to think about this whole picture thing. Now I do have some old fat pictures. Wouldn't it be a hoot if I put up this picture,

but when we met I looked like this:

Jesus X, I can't believe I just put an old fat picture of myself on the Internet. Still, it sure as hell would weed out the really, really superficial people, eh?

So I tell my friend that I am thinking of putting up an old fat picture. "Noooooo don't do thaaaaat!" she says. "How would you like it if someone did that to you?"

Actually, I think it'd be really funny, but perhaps that is just my sick sense of humor.

So she talks me out of putting up my old fat picture, even if it would make for some good ass bloggin'.

At this point, it has been 5 days and no one has tried to communicate with me. My personality must suck.

Then, a Christmas miracle happens. I put my pic up before Christmas, and instantly little miracles saying "Match requests communication" appears in my email.

Now I know I'm not a supermodel or anything, but I am a fairly attractive 35 year old woman that still gets carded. I actually look more like 35 in my fat pic and that was a long, long time ago. It makes me wonder what other people look like in their pics that this crappy Christmas card pic brings up so much interest.

I plan on doing a couple of posts on the whole Eharmony junk, as it has been a rather amusing experience this week. The only problem is it is kind of like going to a bar, hearing a bunch of lines, but not getting the free drink.

So in other words is kind of sucks ass, but is funny as hell. Tomorrow I'm going to post my five random multiple choice questions and how miraculously all ten guys answered them exactly the same!

This is great holiday fun!

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